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Getting through the depression stage is tough.

By Brittany Yurkovitch on 2/18/2014

collapse depression

 

Teaching seniors in high school is interesting. As they ready to leave the despotic institution that raised them, I see many quarter-life crises erupt, especially second semester of senior year. Standing in front of the world of possibilities before them, many succumb to Stockholm syndrome, acting out in bizarre ways to keep themselves within the familiar oppressive confines the public school system has to offer.

I can’t say I necessary blame the kids; having some kind of quarter-life crisis is not unreasonable given the nature of public schools.

If I sound depressing, I apologize. I generally choose to be happy but I am struggling for it lately. My misery concerns the awakening that so many of us are going through at the moment. We who become awake to what’s really going on in our political and economic systems, go through the five stages of grief until we emerge as an awakened and empowered being. Although I have taken significant action in my personal life to become free of the chains that bind, I continue to waver through the anger and depression stages, and the depression stage is bearing down particularly heavy on me today.

The weather isn’t helping either. The past month has been cold, or snowy or just generally chem-trail dreary.  I have been quietly praying to the weather gods and goddesses for sunlight, warmth, and blue skies. Looks like I got what I asked for and ironically, this sunshine has worsened my mood.

Let me explain:

Currently, I feel stuck between two paradigms and I don’t know how to deal with it. On one hand, I am a public school teacher, a government leach who “educates” students at gunpoint. Granted, the kids learn a lot more with me as their teacher than some propaganda loving fool, but I am supporting the system on some level. However, my husband, who works for corporate America, and I, bought a house in the country to try to escape the evils of the big-brother urbanized world. We are working to become food independent and have tilled land and have worked on some fences to hold in animals.

However, we are both very dependent on our jobs to pay off our mortgage (the only debt we have), and to pay for all the equipment we need to get our homestead going. We are working nonstop either for the fascist school system, dysfunctional mega corporations, or ourselves through the fixing up of our property during our waking hours. It is stressful, but rewarding to see progress. Usually, I can look to the work we are doing and feel some elation about our current situation which I admit, is a lot better off than most.

As I write, my kids are testing. One just requested written permission to use the restroom facilities AKA a hall pass; I let him go paperwork free and shake my head at the thought that my written permission is needed for an adult to relieve himself. A few class periods later and not one student submitted their reading assignment for which they had over a week to complete. Public education at its finest.

It may make more sense to call me a professional stock-clerk at the local child warehousing facility. The public school system is mostly concerned with student attendance while ensuring that all thought and physical behavior conform to some arbitrary norm established by some government officials. Usually, I embrace this role and use it as an opportunity to wake the sheeple children from their sleep; in fact, I am a fairly upbeat person given my role relaying frighteningly depressing information upon an unsuspecting populace.

But I am not upbeat today.

It’s days like this when the kids slave away that I look at the bright sunshine outside and realize the true cost of my choice in government employment. (Kids, remember opportunity cost from the beginning of the semester?)

Today the weather is beautiful and I am locked inside this school-prison. I can’t even open a window and feel the wind upon my face. Probably in the name of safety, none of our windows open and we breathe recycled, virus- laden air that pumps endlessly through the central air conditioning system. I want to like teaching the public, but this is not what I had in mind.

But now I’m stuck. Stuck between paradigms, one being a government “New World Order” job I know hurts society more than it helps and another is working at my someday self-sufficient homestead. I’m just at a point that I don’t know what to do as the wealth I earn from this paradigm feeds my entrance into the next. And even if I leave,my husband is still stuck and he deserves freedom, too.

As I dream of the freedom beyond these darkly lit halls I question, when will the madness end? Every day I read about something new and treacherous lurking on the horizon; banker suicides, corruption, police state brutality, war crimes, poison air, toxic food, deadly vaccines, etc and I am screaming inside my head: WHEN WILL IT END?!

I cannot help but wonder, what is the point of waking up if nothing changes? I hear so much in the alternative news community about changing yourself, as an individual, as being the key to disrupting the matrix and ending the tyranny. Sounds great, but even while I clear away brush to mend a fence or till hard earth to grow a garden, the skies above are freshly wounded with new chemtrails containing poisons that will impact my homestead regardless of my “awakened” status. How does me being awake stop the Fukushima radiation from entering my lungs or the chemtrail poison raining down on me from the heavens?

How will things change if the dollar won’t collapse? We are so dependent on the US Federal Reserve Notes for currency and if something happened to it, things would certainly change. I welcome the change a currency collapse could bring as there would be no more war, big brother, or other police state garbage to deal with when people have no paychecks. The idea that I could devote my time 100% to my homestead sounds awesome.

I have been listening to the dollar collapse doom porn since I figured out what the Federal Reserve was once becoming an economics teacher. It has been about 4 years now and I thought I was late to the prepper party. We’ve seen false flag after false flag, both parties raising the debt limit, rumblings of precious metals shortages and wild swings in the stock market but still, the people comply and the powers that be continue to fund their sick perversions with our money.

I guess I am getting to a point of conspiracy fatigue. Generally, I don’t regret waking up but sometimes I question if critical thinking is good for my mind if things stay the same. If the status-quo never changes, what the hell is the point of waking up? I will still need to do business with the current paradigm by selling my labor in exchange for FRN’s on some level in order to pay property taxes even if I pay off my mortgage.

Smart people like Chris Duane say to stop worrying about things you cannot control. But how does one stop worrying about poisonous materials raining on them from the sky? Or weather issues caused by weather modification technology? Or  that you cannot find/make work to support yourself and family? I just don’t know how.

I’m tired of the “hope” talk. Whether it’s organized religion, new age spirituality, or just the ramblings of internet conspiracy theorists, I cannot take all the hope talk. “Just put your faith in Jesus” or “just change your perspective” or “the ___________ are really working behind the scenes to save America from annihilation” doesn’t do it for me.

I am a practical girl who does what I say I’m going to do and I resent all the “someone is going to save you” garbage. I do think we will save ourselves but I am struggling with the “how” part of this plan. I want to be independent of the system now and don’t want to have to slave for years so that I don’t have to be a slave.

I am hoping this is the dark before the dawn. There’s that ugly ‘hope’ word again….

2 thoughts on “Getting through the depression stage is tough.”

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  1. Carol Gay Fagerhaugh says:

    I want to encourage you ~ that each of us are a part of the whole and when Babylon colapses true community will arise. . becoming self sufficient is hard while workin in the system. . it can seem your energy is depleted on every side. . baby steps . . . baby steps. . keep moving forward . . take time to relax as well and regenerate yourself. … .and connect with like minded peeps even if it is over social media. . XXOXO~

    1. saigonchick92 says:

      Thanks so much for this comment. I have been taking it easy for the past few months because the last school year was stressful beyond belief. I will be posting something in the next week that hopefully explains a lot about what has been going on lately. I have felt bad for not posting in so long but this next one will be a doosie!

      It has been beyond a pleasure to do business with you :)

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